From a failed marriage with Carol, to flings with Sonja and Jill, use these quotes to your peril!
- Initiation 101: "I'm going to hump ya, like Deputy Dawg would hump ya."
- Get it started like a pro: "Let battle commence"
- Intercourse compliments: "Well Sonja that was classic intercourse. So, er, thanks. Let's just pop the extractor fan on, get a through draught going."
- The best Valentine's Day: "That is the best Valentine's I've had in eight years." Jill: "What did you do eight years ago?" Alan: "Just had a better one... Went to Silverstone. Shook Jackie Stewart's hand. Superb. My marriage fell apart soon after that."
- Getting intimate: "Your little finger just touched it!"
- Seduction technique: Alan: "No, Jill will be sleeping with me tonight." Jill: "I don't recall saying that." Alan: "Oh come on." Jill: "Yeah, alright then."
- Always keep work and personal lives separate: "Lynn's not my wife. She's my PA. Hard-worker, but there's no affection."
- Health benefits of sex: "It's actually quite good for you. It's cardiovascular exercise, because it's like press ups isn't it?"
- Always see the bright side: "Actually the best thing I did, was to get thrown out by my wife. She's living with a fitness instructor. He drinks that yellow stuff in tins. He's an idiot."
- Mind your appearance: "I was repellent to women for two years"
- Valentine's breakfast compliment: "That's the best cooked breakfast I've had since Gary Wilmot's wedding."
- Scorcher: "I’m 47. My girlfriend's 33. She's 14 years younger than me. Back of the net!"
- Save the big words: Sonja: "Alan, I love you." Alan: "Thanks a lot!"
- Always be cautious: "I love you... in a way."
- How to get other it: "The day after I confronted her, Carol said she wanted to clear her head so moved out just before Christmas. I sat on the edge of the bath, sobbing and eating a pork pie until the pie was gone - at which point I felt a heck of a lot better."
- Best way to spend a date: "Fernando, you’re 22 years old and you’re spending your Saturday afternoon in bed with a girl, you’re wasting your life. It’s a beautiful day. Take her out to a local fort or a Victorian folly."
Always give the sex face!
