You ought to have a basic grasp of Latin if you’re working in Curry’s

Hello, is that Curry’s? I’d like to make an enquiry about err, two supplementary auxiliary speakers, to go with my midi hi-fi system. Apropos, achieving surround sound.

Apropos. It’s Latin. You ought to have a basic grasp of Latin if you’re working in Curry’s. Oh you’ve got them. Excellent. Erm, one last thing. What time do you knock off? Fancy going for a drink? Right, ok, just thought I’d ask. Thank you.

You might eat them in your country, sweetheart, but we don’t here...

Sonja: You want to eat?
Alan: What have we got?
Sonja: We got eggs, we got chicken.
Alan: Which came first!
Sonja: Well, I just buy the chicken on Thursday.
Alan: Chicken’s fine.
Sonja: It’s empty.
Alan: What do you mean?
Sonja: The chicken is empty.
Alan: What do you mean the chicken is empty, do you mean it’s hollow?
Sonja: No, where is the chicken inside the chicken?
Alan: You didn’t buy a display model, did you?
Sonja: The insides.
Alan: Oh,  the giblets?
Sonja: Yeah, giblets. Yes, where is that?
Alan: But that’s awful.
Sonja: I like them!
Alan: You might eat them in your country, sweetheart. But we don’t here. I don’t want to eat an intestine, or a chicken heart on a mini muffin! It’s like some sort of voodoo canope!
Sonja: You want to make love? The bed’s ready.
Alan: Nar, I’m fine thanks. Just go and check on Michael.
Sonja: Ok. Alan, I love you.
Alan: Thanks a lot!

... followed by mince and onions

Just stayed in and wached a documentary about quicksand. Then Sonja and I took our tops off and had a cuddle, followed by mince and onions.  Doesn’t get much better than that!

16 Inspirational Valentines Quotes by Alan Partridge

We all know the best advice in life comes from a certain Alan Partridge. 

From a failed marriage with Carol, to flings with Sonja and Jill, use these quotes to your peril!

1. Initiation 101: "I'm going to hump ya, like Deputy Dawg would hump ya."
2. Get it started like a pro: "Let battle commence"
3. Intercourse compliments: "Well Sonja that was classic intercourse. So, er, thanks. Let's just pop the extractor fan on, get a through draught going."
4. The best Valentine's Day: "That is the best Valentine's I've had in eight years." Jill: "What did you do eight years ago?" Alan: "Just had a better one... Went to Silverstone. Shook Jackie Stewart's hand. Superb. My marriage fell apart soon after that."
5. Getting intimate: "Your little finger just touched it!"
6. Seduction technique: Alan: "No, Jill will be sleeping with me tonight." Jill: "I don't recall saying that." Alan: "Oh come on." Jill: "Yeah, alright then." 
7. Always keep work and personal lives separate: "Lynn's not my wife. She's my PA. Hard-worker, but there's no affection."
8. Health benefits of sex: "It's actually quite good for you. It's cardiovascular exercise, because it's like press ups isn't it?"
9. Always see the bright side: "Actually the best thing I did, was to get thrown out by my wife. She's living with a fitness instructor. He drinks that yellow stuff in tins. He's an idiot."
10. Mind your appearance: "I was repellent to women for two years"
11. Valentine's breakfast compliment: "That's the best cooked breakfast I've had since Gary Wilmot's wedding."
12. Scorcher: "I’m 47. My girlfriend's 33. She's 14 years younger than me. Back of the net!"
13. Save the big words: Sonja: "Alan, I love you." Alan: "Thanks a lot!"
14. Always be cautious: "I love you... in a way."
15. How to get other it: "The day after I confronted her, Carol said she wanted to clear her head so moved out just before Christmas. I sat on the edge of the bath, sobbing and eating a pork pie until the pie was gone - at which point I felt a heck of a lot better."
16. Best way to spend a date: "Fernando, you’re 22 years old and you’re spending your Saturday afternoon in bed with a girl, you’re wasting your life. It’s a beautiful day. Take her out to a local fort or a Victorian folly."

    

    Always give the sex face!

Malcolm MacDowell is trapped in the future

Lynn, message from Alan. Something to pitch to Tony Hayers at BBC lunch, Friday. Idea for film extravaganza, plot thus: Malcolm MacDowell is trapped in the future. He’s being pursued by a cyber-punk from that past. Played by Rutger Hauer. Erm, terrible idea, no one will watch that. I’ve not thought it through Lynn; I’ll call you back.

Occasionally, I dost venture South

Between you and me, there are things I do with Sonja that I would never have done with my ex-wife Carol. Occasionally, I dost venture south. And when I go south, I gotta say, it’s like a breath of fresh air.

Chalk Penis

Neutralise the threat

Draw the gun from the holster, knock the safety catch off, there’s one in the chamber, and move and fire and move and fire and move and fire. The terrorist is disorientated from the stun grenades. He doesn’t know what’s going on. Remember the double-tap, bang, bang.

We have to neutralise the threat by incapacitating the target and we do that in two areas. The chest area, here. Anywhere down the central line, all the major organs are kept, we get one there, he’s going down. If you’re near enough you can take a head shot. Again, he’s going down.

Benjamin Netanyahu

You’re always going on about Benjamin Netanyahu. Let it go Lynn you’re never going to meet him.

Petrol cap to a Ford Focus

Chap there parked on the wrong side of the pumps. Amazing the number of people who still think the petrol cap to a Ford Focus is on the offside rear.

Sonja, beefeaters do no live in caravans!

Sonja, beefeaters do no live in caravans! They live in the Tower of London and they are restaurants!

Deputy Dawg

Let’s make love right here, right now. OK, just fold this table away. You should feel it clip in the housing. Yeah, I’m gonna hump ya. That’s it. Like Deputy Dawg would hump ya. There we go.

Big Feet

I don’t like big feet, reminds me of gammon!

All this wine nonsense!

All this wine nonsense! You get all these wine people, don’t you? Wine this, wine that. Let’s have a bit of red, let’s have a bit of white. Ooh, that’s a snazzy bouquet. Oh, this smells of, I don’t know, basil. Sometimes you just want to say, sod all this wine, just give me a pint of… mineral water.

Alan Partridge TV Show Ideas

Youth Hosteling with Chris Eubank!

Monkey Tennis!

Cooking in Prison with Alan Partridge!

Inner City Sumo!

A Partridge Amongst The Pigeons!

Because I'm a bloody bloke

Alan Partridge Crab Sticks Quote

And now it’s time for one of Alan’s ‘Fact of the day’: Crab sticks don’t actually contain any crab. And from 1993, manufactures have been legally obliged to label them ‘crab flavoured sticks’. Another one of those same time tomorrow.

Coffee Machines are the future, Lynn. Kettles are sad.

Smell my cheese, you mother!

I'm one of the anti-cancer set

No, I don’t smoke. I’m one of the anti-cancer set. We’re a dying breed. Well we’re not, you are. I don’t mean you’ve got cancer. Maybe you have. If you haven’t, I apologise. If you have, please take the rest of the day off.