Alan Partridge Big Yellow Taxi Joni Mitchell Quote

 That was Big Yellow Taxi by Joni Mitchell, a song in which Joni complains that they paved paradise to put up a parking lot. A measure which actually would have alleviated traffic congestion on the outskirts of paradise. Something, which Joanie singularly fails to point out, perhaps because it doesn’t quite fit in with her blinkered view of the world. Nevertheless, nice song. It’s 4.25 AM, you’re listening to "Up With The Partridge".

Alan Partridge: Give him a second series quote

Alan is having lunch with Tony Hayers. He also needs Peter Linehan who is revamping news and current affairs output at the BBC.

Peter: Tony.

Tony: Peter, hello, how are you?

Peter: Fine, fine.

Tony: Erm, Alan, this is Peter Linehan he’s revamping our current affairs outputs. (Alan shrugs his shoulders)

Peter: We’ve haven’t met, but I liked your chat show.

Alan: Thank you very much.

Peter: Has he given you another series?

Alan: No, he won’t give me one!

Peter: Give him another series you swine!

Alan: Yeah, give me another series you shit!

Tony: Look, Alan I don’t want you to feel… I’ll see you later, Peter. I don’t want you to feel the doors have all closed here at the BBC. If you come up with anything else, then please I dont want you to hesitate…

You ought to have a basic grasp of Latin if you’re working in Curry’s

Hello, is that Curry’s? I’d like to make an enquiry about err, two supplementary auxiliary speakers, to go with my midi hi-fi system. Apropos, achieving surround sound.

Apropos. It’s Latin. You ought to have a basic grasp of Latin if you’re working in Curry’s. Oh you’ve got them. Excellent. Erm, one last thing. What time do you knock off? Fancy going for a drink? Right, ok, just thought I’d ask. Thank you.

... followed by mince and onions

Just stayed in and wached a documentary about quicksand. Then Sonja and I took our tops off and had a cuddle, followed by mince and onions.  Doesn’t get much better than that!

You can stop giggling, or I’ll take down your particulars

You can stop giggling, or I’ll take down your particulars

Can I just shock you?

Can I just shock you? I like wine! Despite what I just said earlier. At any one time I have nine bottles of wine in my house.

Malcolm MacDowell is trapped in the future

Lynn, message from Alan. Something to pitch to Tony Hayers at BBC lunch, Friday. Idea for film extravaganza, plot thus: Malcolm MacDowell is trapped in the future. He’s being pursued by a cyber-punk from that past. Played by Rutger Hauer. Erm, terrible idea, no one will watch that. I’ve not thought it through Lynn; I’ll call you back.

Occasionally, I dost venture South

Between you and me, there are things I do with Sonja that I would never have done with my ex-wife Carol. Occasionally, I dost venture south. And when I go south, I gotta say, it’s like a breath of fresh air.

Chalk Penis

Neutralise the threat

Draw the gun from the holster, knock the safety catch off, there’s one in the chamber, and move and fire and move and fire and move and fire. The terrorist is disorientated from the stun grenades. He doesn’t know what’s going on. Remember the double-tap, bang, bang.

We have to neutralise the threat by incapacitating the target and we do that in two areas. The chest area, here. Anywhere down the central line, all the major organs are kept, we get one there, he’s going down. If you’re near enough you can take a head shot. Again, he’s going down.

Benjamin Netanyahu

You’re always going on about Benjamin Netanyahu. Let it go Lynn you’re never going to meet him.

Petrol cap to a Ford Focus

Chap there parked on the wrong side of the pumps. Amazing the number of people who still think the petrol cap to a Ford Focus is on the offside rear.

Sonja, beefeaters do no live in caravans!

Sonja, beefeaters do no live in caravans! They live in the Tower of London and they are restaurants!

Deputy Dawg

Let’s make love right here, right now. OK, just fold this table away. You should feel it clip in the housing. Yeah, I’m gonna hump ya. That’s it. Like Deputy Dawg would hump ya. There we go.

Big Feet

I don’t like big feet, reminds me of gammon!

All this wine nonsense!

All this wine nonsense! You get all these wine people, don’t you? Wine this, wine that. Let’s have a bit of red, let’s have a bit of white. Ooh, that’s a snazzy bouquet. Oh, this smells of, I don’t know, basil. Sometimes you just want to say, sod all this wine, just give me a pint of… mineral water.

Because I'm a bloody bloke

Alan Partridge Crab Sticks Quote

And now it’s time for one of Alan’s ‘Fact of the day’: Crab sticks don’t actually contain any crab. And from 1993, manufactures have been legally obliged to label them ‘crab flavoured sticks’. Another one of those same time tomorrow.

Coffee Machines are the future, Lynn. Kettles are sad.

Smell my cheese, you mother!